Like someone takes a pause before saying, I stared at the page for a while and then at my hands searching for that line which broke itself from the happy life that I was experiencing with a changed time in my life and I thought to myself why it had to go all wrong at this point of life. Why did I let that negativity in my mind reside for so long that when it came out, it did in the form of poison. Venom which made someone suffer without my intention to hurt. I never wanted to hurt him but I did because I let the negativity reside in my mind until it had captured my thoughts so well that I moved with the damaging thoughts. My concern turned to my own selfishness.
It’s like a never ending struggle with the facets of life. I never imagined that my concerns for someone would turn into a feeling where I want to take my heart out of my soul and get rid of the feelings that senses emotions and makes the heart angry, cry and suffer. But getting rid from the act of mine was not easy. It was becoming difficult for me to explain and suggest the reasons for saying something which I never meant. I never want to hurt or cause any pain to anyone in my life as God didn’t send me in this world to do so. My purpose of life was to give and not “snatch” which I tried to do without even knowing that it was actually me who was doing a deed which is likely to hurt you.
I got nothing out of thinking negative but it only ruined me and distorted my purpose of life which I believe was to ‘give’ in the form of love and care. All I want to do is scream until I am understood, all I want to do is cry until you wipe my tears, all I want to do is walk until I reach your heart again, all I want to do is undone the wrong and make it right until I am alive.
The only thing I did was to let my fearful thoughts out and when I did that it turned out to be so ugly that even I myself could have not imagined in my horrifying dreams the result that was to follow and come my way in the form of a blow which made me actually stand on the cliff and all I needed was a push. How I wish this cliff scene was for real. I would have spread my arms and enjoyed the journey like a falling rain. But there is no escaping now from this ordeal of mine. I can only wait for time to heal and when it is healed I will never be the same again because in this healing process I am going to loose myself forever.
It’s another morning just for the namesake and I fail to eat, sleep or even blink without thinking of the damage I caused. But here I want to ask a question to every girl. Do you or did you ever worried about your relation with your husband after marriage as in would he listen to you the way he did before marriage or would he just listen to his parents and ignore your thoughts in front of his parents thoughts and many more things like this. Has the thought that you might get lost somewhere in others thought and has to say yes to whatever is said by his parents worried you before or after the courtship? I want to know does every girl worries about her being becoming a puppet of the boy’s parents or was it just me. I can be wrong and I can be really wrong but tell me the truth did these thoughts of ‘not being heard’ never came to your mind while you were thinking of marrying the ‘one’?
After I let my thoughts out I got to hear things from him which I never thought I would. All the things where he told me I can not do anything because if I had to, I must have done it in the past one year. Words that hit me like an arrow were if you really wanted to follow your dream then you must have until now and again followed by “you can’t do anything”. I apologized a million times and actually felt sorry for putting forward things in such a mean and selfish way where I thought about him and me. But did it give him the right to personally hit my feeling and say such mean things and he is not even sorry for what all he said.
Every girl, woman please let your thoughts enlighten me so that I am able to move ahead from where I am standing right now. Let me know why did my mind think of ways where I wanted to ‘snatch’ my husband and elope for a while until I form a bond with him and get rid of all the interference. Should I let go of the feelings that I feel and keep mum? I am lost in my own world...........................................