Like
someone takes a pause before saying, I stared at the page for a while
and then at my hands searching for that line which broke itself from the
happy life that I was experiencing with a changed time in my life and I
thought to myself why it had to go all wrong at this point of life. Why
did I let that negativity in my mind reside for so long that when it
came out, it did in the form of poison. Venom which made someone suffer
without my intention to hurt. I never wanted to hurt him but I did
because I let the negativity reside in my mind until it had captured my
thoughts so well that I moved with the damaging thoughts. My concern
turned to my own selfishness.
It’s
like a never ending struggle with the facets of life. I never imagined
that my concerns for someone would turn into a feeling where I want to
take my heart out of my soul and get rid of the feelings that senses
emotions and makes the heart angry, cry and suffer. But getting rid from
the act of mine was not easy. It was becoming difficult for me to
explain and suggest the reasons for saying something which I never
meant. I never want to hurt or cause any pain to anyone in my life as
God didn’t send me in this world to do so. My purpose of life was to
give and not “snatch” which I tried to do without even knowing that it
was actually me who was doing a deed which is likely to hurt you.
I
got nothing out of thinking negative but it only ruined me and
distorted my purpose of life which I believe was to ‘give’ in the form
of love and care. All I want to do is scream until I am understood, all I
want to do is cry until you wipe my tears, all I want to do is walk
until I reach your heart again, all I want to do is undone the wrong and make it right until I am alive.
The
only thing I did was to let my fearful thoughts out and when I did that
it turned out to be so ugly that even I myself could have not imagined
in my horrifying dreams the result that was to follow and come my way in
the form of a blow which made me actually stand on the cliff and all I
needed was a push. How I wish this cliff scene was for real. I would
have spread my arms and enjoyed the journey like a falling rain. But
there is no escaping now from this ordeal of mine. I can only wait for
time to heal and when it is healed I will never be the same again
because in this healing process I am going to loose myself forever.
It’s
another morning just for the namesake and I fail to eat, sleep or even
blink without thinking of the damage I caused. But here I want to ask a
question to every girl. Do you or did you ever worried about your
relation with your husband after marriage as in would he listen to you
the way he did before marriage or would he just listen to his parents
and ignore your thoughts in front of his parents thoughts and many more
things like this. Has the thought that you might get lost somewhere in
others thought and has to say yes to whatever is said by his parents
worried you before or after the courtship? I want to know does every
girl worries about her being becoming a puppet of the boy’s parents or
was it just me. I can be wrong and I can be really wrong but tell me the
truth did these thoughts of ‘not being heard’ never came to your mind
while you were thinking of marrying the ‘one’?
After
I let my thoughts out I got to hear things from him which I never
thought I would. All the things where he told me I can not do anything
because if I had to, I must have done it in the past one year. Words
that hit me like an arrow were if you really wanted to follow your dream
then you must have until now and again followed by “you can’t do
anything”. I apologized a million times and actually felt sorry for
putting forward things in such a mean and selfish way where I thought
about him and me. But did it give him the right to personally hit my
feeling and say such mean things and he is not even sorry for what all
he said.
Every
girl, woman please let your thoughts enlighten me so that I am able to
move ahead from where I am standing right now. Let me know why did my
mind think of ways where I wanted to ‘snatch’ my husband and elope for a
while until I form a bond with him and get rid of all the interference.
Should I let go of the feelings that I feel and keep mum? I am lost in
my own world...........................................
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